Life is fair. ” Tabula rasa” that is how I define it.We were all born naked and that is not only for the lack of clothes but also for the lack of knowledge about anything under the sun, so at least we were all born to live and learn. We only hear grown up people saying life is unfair and that indicates that they must have learnt the concept from somebody else while they were growing up.
Life begins to become unfair once one is born into a loving and warm family while another is born into a totally dysfunctional home.The family is the basic learning arena for the child and since the child knows nothing they will be eager to pick anything and everything from their parents (who are literally gods towards the kids), their elder siblings,caregivers and any other person around.I once saw a young boy of almost six years slightly slapping her mum while throwing tantrums because she failed to buy her a ball as were stuck in a traffic jam at Nyayo in a matatu.I just knew that the mum was being beaten by the father because how else would the child know that beating up a woman would make her do as he wished.A child is a reflection of what happens in their home and many adults are still children bounded by their past home setting.
The cycle will continue when the kids who grow up in those homes where they were constantly beaten, verbally abused and neglected end up being adults who never grew up.Adults who never made peace with their inner traumatized child.They either become co-dependents ,(I call them doormats) or total narcs and the society gets a whole new breed of a bitter, vengeful people mingling with the ‘too nice” validation seekers.The sanctions on social control become more severe but the crime rate keeps going up anyway.Pedophiles, sociopaths, serial killers, the so called “fuck boys’ and many other misfits are not born- they are made.They are just but a reflection of what they learnt while growing up and their children will just become like them.After all an apple does not fall far away from the tree.
Many people are stuck in toxic relationships because of their childhood conditioning.How about the suicides?Oh well they were told that they were not good enough and so they actually ended up not being good enough.I have heard stories of girls being beaten black and blue by their boyfriends and still hold on as if they are waiting for a rematch.They go to sleep over at their boyfriends with their hair neatly permed and when they come back their hair is similar to that of the Weeknd (hoping to convince her friends that she had a “good time”) and the black patch on the eye shall be covered up by foundation and if it is discovered they say the fell down the stairs and make excuses for the boy.Some wives stay in abusive marriages not because of the “children” as they put it but because of their childhood conditioning and their daughters unfortunately go down the same road.The cycle continues.
Their sons become the “home devils and the street angels’ so that if they beat their girlfriends behind closed doors the public will always have their back as the good guy and the girl will just be labelled petty and ungrateful amidst nursing her physical and emotional scars.The cycle can only end if people become more aware and make peace with their past because we do not choose our families but we can choose how we want to live.If you are still making excuses of not being a better person because of your dysfunctional background, you better wake up, smell the coffee and realize that you are not a kid anymore.You can decide to change and do what is right at least. Get psychiatric help if need be but just don’t sit down and watch yourself hurt or hurt others because its your life and not that of your parents.
For the future parents who are reading this, welcome your child and be their first friends.Be present and lively, enhance their confidence by appreciating their talents and do not compare them.Enhance their uniqueness and remind them that their dreams are valid so that they do not become’ too cold ‘or’ too nice”.These extremes can only be tamed by the parents.Let us raise a healthy generation of level headed individuals and enjoy a society of less suicide, homicides and other crimes.We can break the cycle.Can’t we?